Gainesville Here I Come

I'm hoping this weekend is going to be an amazing weekend away. I'm so excited to be going to the swamp to see the gators and the gamecocks play with my brother. I leave in a matter of a few hours and will be enjoying the company of my family tonight. I missed them so much and I miss FL. Here I come for fun and a time to relax......GO GATORS!!!!! (i know, i'm a trader this week)

street team for twloha

MY PARENTS ARE COMING TODAY AND I AM SO EXCITED. ONLY ONE MORE CLASS TO GO UNTIL I GET TO SEE THEM. :-)

Venting

I don't understand why school makes me what to cry and gets me overly worked up and stressed out. I'm trying to tell myself that it's not the end of the world if something doesn't get done....I will continue to live. I'm sitting here at Barnes' and Noble wondering how I'm going to get through the week with having two exams, multiple assignments due that are a major part of my grade, working, possibly having my parents in town, counseling, and numerous little things that add to my daily stress level. I fear that I'm going to break down soon....that's if I haven't already. Please keep me in your thoughts and if there is any way someone could help me with the about of work I have this week that would be awesome, but at last I know we all have stressful weeks with school since it's halfway through the semester. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need time off, wait wasn't that suppose to be Fall Break (thanks to work...I had no time to catch up on school). Can't always be playing catch up no can I. Thanks for letting me vent and no it hasn't helped me feel any better.

It's been a while

Yeah so a month later I decide to take some time to blog....a very short blog most likely since there is school work to be done. Some of ya'll might be wondering what I've been up to lately and how I've been coping with all the stress of school and working two jobs and keeping some type of social life going.......I wonder the same thing. :-) Needless to say school is stressful when everything seems to be due within one week and it makes me want to drop out, but I've gotten through the rough spells before so that keeps me going. Fall break is this week and I might be going to Charleston for the day on Thursday (well most of the day). I start playing soccer this week over in Irmo with a women's league and I'm really pumped since I have no form of exercise in my schedule right now. I believe that it's going to be a great way to help me de-stress and pump endorphins into my brain which will allow me to be more sane. I was looking at what classes I still need to take to graduate and noticed that I could graduate this summer if I wanted to, but I think I'll wait until next December and just take a couple of extra classes since summer school is so dang expensive. I can't believe that this time next year I will be preparing to enter the non-school world that is unless I don't go straight into grad school. Not really worried about grad school stuff yet, but have done a little thinking about it. If anyone knows of any good counseling programs that I should look into please let me know. Things with counseling have been hard, but in a good way. I've been working through a lot of tough things, but they are making me a stronger person and I'm having to learn that God is going to pull me through everything that I may face. That's all for now.....stay tuned for more blogs more frequently (hopefully).

I can't sit still. I hate anxiety. I'm starting to get really overwhelmed with all that I'm doing. Maybe it wasn't wise for me to take the SI job. I feel miserable right now cause I'm working two jobs and trying to stay on top of school work. If I had it my way, I wouldn't have to work...but that will never happen. With all that said, I really do enjoy being able to help the students that come to my sessions and I do enjoy the people I work with at Addam's. I guess I feel like I'm missing out on life cause I'm always working and don't have time to cut back and chill without feeling like I need to be doing school work.

A Day Off

Today has been a day off of work and school. So far, so good. I've actually got time to catch up on life happening around me and I'm getting things done that I haven't had time to get done over the past 2 weeks. Last night we had a surprise party for Laura's birthday because we love her and wanted her to know that she is loved a few days earlier than her actual birthday. I loved that we had so many people at our apartment last night and we all enjoyed ourselves. I am truly blessed with the people that are in my life even those who are really far away from me. Although I miss those who are far away, I think about them daily because knowing them have helped to make me who I am and will be in the future. Everyone who has ever given me the time of day and cared about me, have helped me know that I am an important part of this world. I can't believe that I once thought that the world would be better off without me.....such a lie from the enemy. I read something today that moved something within my heart and restored faith within my being that there are honest and true people out there and that what I was apart of this summer (and still am) is VERY important.

This week is the organization fair and I'm extra excited this year because the Shack is going to be giving out To Write Love cards and they're excited about giving them out to students.

Well that's all I've got for now. There is a lot to get done today and I'm so glad that I've got the time to get it done. OH one last thing.....my Saturn has been fixed and I am now enjoying being able to drive it once again. Clover (my car) is alive!!!!!

Social Vibe

New School Year

With the new school year approaching there is a lot of change going on around me. Change can be a great thing, if it is positive. Most of the change that is occurring at the moment is great, I have wonderful new roomies and I'm actually looking forward to the semester. I start a new job tomorrow, well I have training for my SI position for Psyc 227 and I'm hoping that job doesn't add to my stress level. I'm still working at Addam's and we've recently had new employees join us for back to school rush and football session (so far no major problems have risen). I'm taking 4 classes and I just feel like the change from last school year to this school year is going to be a good one. I have grown so much this summer and so have the people that I have in my life which makes me supper excited. I have come so far from when I was 19 and with the help of a new counselor after next week I plan to work on relying on God more instead of using people as my crutch. I hope all the change in my life is for the better. Speaking of change, I have a new used car and I am dying my hair currently (waiting on it to set in). Things to add to all the changing going on as I start the new school year would be exercise and eating healthy. If anyone would like to help with either of those that would be awesome. Until next time. :-)

It's been a while I know

I have the most amazing roommates!!!! I can't wait for this year to get underway and to get to know these ladies even better. We've already had a great time living together and we've only been together for a day. These girls are amazing in their own way and I hope that we will always be good friends. The apartment looks a little different and we each have our little own spin of making things work. Well I'll post later cause we're going to Target and I'm getting hair dye. Oh the adventures to be had.

Last Day

The time has flown bye and I'm leaving in a few hours. I can't believe that it's my last day. I feel like I have all the time in the world to get some things done, but I really don't. I'll probably cry most of the way back to my parents' house. The people here, like I've said before, mean so much to me. :-)

Moving

Today I helped one of my "bosses" move his family from this side of town to the other side of town...well a few miles away. Although I am extremely tired and will be sore for the next couple of days, I'm glad that I had the opportunity to help them move. It rained quite a bit today and we ended up riding in the back of a UHaul with the latch open, it was more fun that it sounds most likely. It feels strange that in a matter of 24 hours I will be on my way to Ocala for a couple of days before heading back to Columbia for work and school. Well I'm off to get some free dinner cause I helped move and then I've got a few notes to write for the people here. Tomorrow I will have my car packed in the morning, work a little, then we're going to dinner at Chili's for one last get together before I have to say goodbye. I hope that this will not be a final goodbye and that I will have these people be a part of my life for quite some time. To me, TWLOHA means family.

Checking Out

I'm sitting here filling out the summer internship survey and I've already completed my self evaluation from yesterday and today. It's weird that I'm checking myself out of this crazy trip and I'm a little scared to go back to what life was before the internship. I feel purpose here and at home I'm working towards the purpose I feel that God has put within my heart. I've seen love, hope, trust, and community her in Cocoa and I don't want to loose it when I'm working two jobs and busy with school. I look forward to returning to Columbia to see everyone, but it's hard to return after you've been exposed to all the hurt there is among the people in this world and you know that there is a team trying to reach those who feel helpless. The hearts of these people have helped me through some stressful times and I pray that we can all help those who are near and far from us walk through our crazy lives. I've seen healing among the lives around me and I see so much promise in their lives. God has given most of us second and third and fourth and so on chances, it's just what or how we choose to respond to those chances that will define who we are. Although your actions don't make up who you are, they sure do express what you hold near and dear to your heart.

don't want to leave

Yeah I really don't want to leave Cocoa on Friday, but I must because I have commitments that I have to keep for the Fall semester. I have purpose being here and I care so much more about To Write Love than I did two months ago. Love is possible even in a fallen world. Community is the best thing that one can be apart of. If you get the chance please try to live in community with the people around you because you will learn so much from people.

AGAIN I REALLY DON'T WANT TO LEAVE

*mixed emotions about leaving*

Well tonight is mandatory game night and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Since I'm feeling a little ill with my cough, I don't know how much energy I'll have to play games. I'm sure I'll be alright, the cough is more annoying than anything. Any way, a lot has been changing recently and I'm starting to feel settled about it. I got a letter from my mom today and she says things with my grandma are going well. It was great to read that my grandma is adjusting nicely to living in an assisted living place cause I was really worried about her. Oh yesterday when we went to pick up the mail from the post office we (TWLOHA) received a package and I wondered what was in the package until we got all the way back to the bungalow. Once we got back we opened it and inside was a hand made quilt with the sayings of TWLOHA with a note telling of this girl's story. It was a great way to start the day. Once we've taken pictures of it, I'll make sure to post one. Things are going well this week and I look forward to making memories over the next week that will last me a life time or until I see these people again. Thank you for sticking with me through this journey. Well I'm off to take a quick nap before we have game night at 8:00. Oh one more thing, I get to see my brother tomorrow!!!

Goodbyes Suck

Today started the long list of goodbyes as people are leaving to go to events on the west coast and Olivia flew back to the UK. Although the guys are coming back to Cocoa in a couple of weeks, I will be back in Columbia. Today I am emotionally drained from goodbyes. I'm trying not to focus on the goodbyes and trying to look at it as a see you later and we'll keep in touch. That's the great thing about technology these days, you can be really far away and still talk to the ones that you love. Yeah I said it the people that I have met here I truly care and love deeply. They have taught me so much about this world and how everyone is connected through their stories. I wish that I could stay a little long, but that would probably make the goodbyes even harder. We've been through tough times and great times and I will always remember the times we have shared. Crazy videos, laughing at all hours of the day, and even all the drama that comes with such a large amount of people living in one house. The people here have become a part of my family and I plan on traveling to visit them over the next year. There are so many people to visit and I'm looking forward to seeing new places and possibly flying again. :-)

Lake Aurora

Well I'm sitting here at a camp in Lake Aurora and am amazed at how much the kids here want to get involved, either by buying a shirt or supporting us through donation, and we've had a few express interest in wanting to help from where they are living. Last night there was a message about love and what "love is." I think it's amazing that Renee was able to speak freely about how her faith helped her get through the rough times over the past few years and how she's working towards healing and redemption. It was also cool to learn that Renee and I have more in common in our stories than I thought we did. That's something I've learned over my time here, that although we all come from different walks of life we all are bonded together through our brokenness and need to be whole through Christ. I love the message that is being presented to those who we are trying to reach. You are not alone. You are loved. There is hope. Rescue is possible. I believe that we all need to hear all of these things no matter where we are in our walks of life. We all need some sense of purpose and with purpose (in my opinion) comes hope in things to come. That's all I've got for now, but I have a post that is developing while I process a few things. There's something to look forward to (I guess).

This experience is amazing and I'm so glad that God has given me the chance to come to work with TWLOHA. I keep having to remind myself to live in the moment and not let this whole experience fly by without be being to process what's happening around me. Over the past week I had a conversation with my cousin up in Charleston about how difficult it is being here and reading people's stories via email or myspace and how it's taking a toll on me emotionally. I've just got to remember that I was on the other side of those emails a year and a half ago and if I can't provide some hope for those dealing with what I have dealt with and more, then where will they find hope? I've had a lot on my mind lately and it has been eating away at my heart. I feel that my heart is splitting in two and it's frustrating. When I was in Ocala all I could think of is how much I was missing people from Columbia and how I was missing people from Cocoa. 

Mandatory Fun Week

This week has been mandatory fun week, but I've been a little ill so I've missed out on some of the fun. That's ok cause I got some much needed rest. I've now bounced back and ready to enjoy game night tonight, Pannera Bread in the morning, and Melting Pot tomorrow afternoon. Besides all the fun happening this week I've had a lot of good conversations. I've learned that we are all human and have made mistakes when it comes to relating to people. Things have hit chaos, and we've had to have deal breaking conversations. I am so grateful for the people that are apart of this community, I'm glad that we all care about one another to have the hard conversations that we have had over this past week. I've learned from these people that love is possible in every way. Thank you God for allowing me to live and work with these people.

check out our Real World Cocoa video on youtube

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gSm26gm6Gcs 

end of week 3

It's Friday night and things are quiet around the house cause a lot of people went away this weekend or went to Olive Garden for dinner. A quiet house is fine with me, it gives me time to think and get somethings done that I need to get done and sent out to people. We got a new intern today and she's from the UK...I could listen to her speak all day. I bought a book yesterday on Ansel Adams along with a new journal, but I got the wrong journal cause it doesn't have lines. I actually think I'm ok with that or the reason I'm ok with it might be the fact that I don't want to waste the gas to go and return it...either way I'm glad I've got it to use once I've finished my current journal. lalala.....I know boring, right. Well people are back, so I'm going to go and wait for my dinner to get done cooking and wait for my laundry to get done. Until next time. Peace, Love and Hope

good day

Things are going great these past few days. My dad came to visit yesterday, well he came to bring me my chargers (one for my mac and the other for my phone). I accidentally left them at my parents' house this past weekend. Speaking of the weekend, this past one was amazing. I spent it at the beach, at home, at church (3 to be exact), it was Father's Day, and it ended with Family Guy watching at a McDonald's in Orlando. Oh if you're ever in Orlando you should check out Status at Discovery Christian Church on Sunday nights. They have a 6:30 and an 8:30 service, but be warned it will totally amaze you, well I enjoyed it. Moving on to what is super exciting about this week, we're slowly moving away from monotonous work and I'm itching to start working on projects. It's crazy for me to think that we're almost done with week three and then I only have about 5 weeks left since I have to return to Columbia to get ready for the Fall semester. At this moment, I'm scared that I'm not going to make a big enough impact in the short while that I'm here. That's mostly fear feeding that thought, but I'm being honest cause we're all about honesty here. Surprisingly we haven't reached the point of chaos in our community...it needs to happen so we can have a true community. Wow, that was a tangent, but I guess it was an important one. Well I'm off to bed early tonight. Love ya'll.

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been kinda busy. I'll update ya'll soon don't worry. :-)

opposite days

One word to describe today and yesterday: bipolar. I had a rough day yesterday until I had a conversation around 10:00 last night, then it turned out to be an interesting evening. I got to learn some of the people in an entirely different way

 just because of a book someone was reading. :-) That's for anyone who was involved in the discussion last night and is reading this entry right now. Today was entirely different than any day that we've had so far this summer. Instead of working at the intern house and the bungalow, we got to drive 30-45 minutes away and worked at a cafe that had wireless since we need the internet to do anything we do here at TWLOHA (to write love on her arm). Around 3:00 we headed over to the Brevard Art Museum to check out the PostSecret exhibit. The exhibit was amazing and I connected with a few of the postcards that people had sent in to share their secrets with the creator of PostSecret. Now you may wonder why we would take part of our work day to go see an exhibit that doesn't have anything to do with what we do in our organization (i don't like using that word cause TWLOHA is so much more). Well PostSecret actually plays into what we do here in a very special way; we have paired up with PostSecret to promote helping save 1-800-SUICIDE. It's crazy how much is going on here and it's amazing all that is going on here in Cocoa. After going through the exhibit we noticed a little park of sorts near the museum and we chilled there for a short bit before heading over to this burrito stand near the beach. They had the largest burritos that I have ever seen. The night just ended an hour ago after open mic night at a local restaurant where some of us had a drink to wind down a little while we watched one of our fellow interns play his music. All in all day today was a great and busy day. That's all the time I have for now, stay tuned for my next update. 

cold stone

I really didn't know what to title this entry cause it's a little late, well not really late, I'm just exhausted. We had a great day of community and honest conversation today here in Cocoa with all the interns. All I can say is it's crazy how much you can not know about someone for an entire week and your first "judgements" change very quickly after very honest conversation. Today, if you can't gather from my rambling, we shared our stories and it was emotionally draining...but it was a good draining. I'm even more excited to learn about the people around me and it's so comfortable to know that we are NOT alone and LOVE is possible even with people from entirely different backgrounds. We all have something in common and that is a need for love, hope, understanding, community, trust, and honesty. It's insane how much we've talked about honest conversation, intentionality in what we do, and community; it's exciting and hard at the same time. I could go on and on about how much community means to TWLOHA, but that might get a little old and repetitive. More to come about how we are building a community here in Cocoa in the near future. One final note is this, although I'm enjoying getting a fresh start in some aspects of my life...I'm really missing the familiarity of Columbia and I am missing the community the Shack has offered me. I love ya'll!!! :-)

OH tonight I walked into a cold stone with my bedroom slippers and it was awesome, that's probably why the title of this post is cold stone or it could have deeper meaning (I just can't analyze at this hour). Now onto homework for the morning. Peace. Love. Hope.

Back in Ocala

Yes I'm back in Ocala. I'm spending the night at my parents' house and spending tomorrow with them. I also get to meet my brother's girlfriend's family tomorrow night. :-) Well I'm off to bed early cause I'm tired and there aren't 14 (or more) people keeping me awake plus I get to sleep in my full size bed and not share a room with 5 other people. Tonight is going to be a good night for sleep. :-)

Adjusting is VERY Difficult

Just throwing this out there and then I'm getting some sleep cause that's what I want to do. I'm finding it supper hard to adjust to living in a house with 15 people and having to spend every waking moment with people (whether that's work or living in the house). I have found a place to break away, but at the same time I really want to invest in relationships (non romantic) with these people and help in the creation of a community that they want us to be apart of. I would hate to throw away this opportunity just because I don't feel that I'm apart of something larger than any of us that are working with TWLOHA. Maybe it was just a rough day today and that's everything is just trying to come out. We have been thrown a lot in these past 3 days and it's a bit overwhelming. Please just keep praying. :-)

Day One and Two

Work has been good so far. We do a lot of work online here at the house cause that's how TWLOHA can reach as many people as possible. Yesterday we did work with the street team and today we worked on answering Myspace messages. Some may see these as boring task, but it's quite enjoyable when you have the right group of people working together and cracking jokes and such. We also took a personality test today called Strengths Finder 2.0. The book comes with a code that you use to go online to take a series of questions that help point out what your top 5 strengths you have or have the potential to have if you invest in the given strength; it was very insightful. My top five strengths were that I'm restorative, deliberative, a developer, responsible, and empathetic. I'm really excited to start working on my strengths instead of working on my weaknesses. It's going to be an amazing summer with amazing people. I'm excited to break off into smaller teams to work on projects that are going to make an impact on people that I may never ever meet or even speak to. I also find it awesome that of all the 12 interns we all have similar strengths, but none of us have the same exact top 5 strengths. It will be interesting to see how we mess all of our strengths together to work towards common goals. This is going to be a crazy, exciting, and interesting ride this summer and I can't wait to get started.

Oh I've got a few books that I'm hoping to read this summer, the one I'm working on right now is Messy Spirituality. I have a problem with buying books during the school year to read, but I don't have time to read them...so I'm planning to read them this summer while interning in Cocoa. I've also found a great place to get away from everyone so that I can get some peace and quiet just to sit and read and think. A quiet place is hard to find when you live with 15 people. More to come in a few days. I'm only updating every other day. :-)

Well now that I don't have headache, I decided that I should update ya'll on my first two days down in Cocoa. After arriving at the house it was madness cause there's so many people. I think after spending time with people, I think I've finally learned everyone's name. First thing we did yesterday was build the rest of our furniture, and that was and adventure to say the least, but we have a well put together living room. Around 5:00 we (Jamie, Byron and his family, and all the interns) went down to the river to watch the shuttle launch. It was awesome. After a speech made by Byron, we ended up going out to dinner and it was marvelous (I even ate fried pickles). Then we went to the mall to check out the new TWLOHA shirt at Hot Topic and we stopped bye the pet store where I saw puppies and really wanted one. Today was spent relaxing. A few of us went to church this morning and afterwards we went to lunch with Jamie's family. I took a nap when we got back to house because I had a really bad headache from hitting my head on the sink the first day I was here. Any way I'm slowly adjusting to a life in Cocoa and we start work tomorrow at 9:00. If you would like to pray for me I guess you could pray that God will help me find my niche within this large group of people. Love to all.

Hello Cooca

I made it to the intern house and I am way to tired to write about all that happened today, I hope ya'll understand. I've got to get some sleep cause I'm doing to church in the morning with some of the interns. Love is the movement.

Goodbye Ocala

It's been real being here in Ocala at my parents' place, but now I am preparing to leave in the morning to move into the intern house in Cocoa. There is much to be excited about. What I have been waiting for during the past month and a half is now actually happening. I will be going to a place where I don't know anyone and that's strange. From what I've gathered through facebook contact with my fellow interns, they seem like really chill people. Well I've got to finish packing and then I'm getting up to go to Chick-fil-a for breakfast in the morning. Yum chicken biscuts!!! Tune in tomorrow night for an update on how moving in and meeting new people goes. Love, Peace, Hope

Hello Ocala

I made it to my parents place in Ocala this evening around 6:00 and will be here until Saturday morning. It's strange being here and knowing that this is a semi-permanent thing (being in FL). This morning I had a good time having coffee and we said goodbye like we usually do, so it was a little strange cause I'm not going to see that person for at least two months maybe longer. The drive down was different because I don't know what to expect while I'm down here. Usually when I'm in FL it's only for a break from school for a week at a time and it's a vacation. I'm glad to be here, but I'm starting to miss people that are in Columbia. Please pray for adjusting to a new beginning in FL. I'm looking forward to moving in on Saturday and getting to know the people I'll be working with for the next two months.

Good bye Columbia

In a few hours I will be waking up and saying goodbye to Columbia for two months and will be traveling to Florida. Part of me is sad to leave all the comfort of being in Columbia, but most of me is excited for a fresh start in Cocoa with working with an organization I care about and believe in so deeply. It's 12:30 and I'm exhausted, but have a few more things to do before sleeping. Thank God that there is coffee to be had in the morning with one of the best people in the world and that hopefully by 6:00 I'll be "home" with my parents and brother and cat; it will be amazing. With all the craziness that has happened in my preparation for this internship, I am so thankful that I have received many prayers and that God has helped me get through the rough spells when I thought there was no way for me to actually go through with this amazing opportunity. Over the past few weeks it's been cool to see God working through all the craziness and He has shown me that I am loved by those who are close to me and even those who there may be distance. Looking back on the few instances where I've felt unloveable after experiencing such love recently makes me think, "WHY DO I DOUBT THE LOVE OF YOUR CHILDREN GOD?"

That's all for now. I've got to shower, wash dishes, pack a few more things into the car and sleep. GOD IS USING THIS LIFE FOR FAR BETTER THINGS THAN I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN TO USE IT FOR AND I'M SO THANKFUL.

update on support raising

Hello Everyone,

Most of you, if not all of you, know that I have been accepted for an internship with the non-profit organization, To Write Love On Her Arms (twloha.com) in Cocoa, FL and have been trying to raise financial support as well as support through prayer. I am still in great need of more financial support and would still love people to keep praying for my fellow interns as we are preparing to move in this coming Saturday. So far I have received $170 worth of support and am very grateful for the gifts I have received. God is going to use all the prayer and financial support that I have received to do wonders for His Kingdom. I am looking forward to moving in at the end of the week and meeting all of the people I will be living and working with over the next two months. Thank you for taking the time to read this brief update about how support raising is going. One more thing, I leave for FL Thursday around 10:00 am and will be moving into the intern house Saturday around 12:30, so if you are planning on sending me a check it would need to be here by Wednesday. Please don't forget that you can make the check out to TWLOHA and it will be considered a tax deduction, if you choose to write it to TWLOHA make sure my name goes in the memo section. If you do plan on sending financial support, but can't have it here before I leave on Thursday please send it to my parents' address and write it directly to TWLOHA because I won't be able to deposit the check if it's made out to me cause my bank is in SC. Thank you for your prayers and support in my wanting to help spread the message of love and hope with To Write Love On Her Arms.

Look forward to hearing from any of you,

me

ps...contact me for the addresses if you need them

Apparently I have developed allergies and feel horrible. My eyes itch like crazy and I cannot breath properly. Support raising will hopefully pick up before I head down for my internship next week cause I'm not getting my 70 hours of vacation. I'm just praying God will provide the funds for me so that I won't have to work a part time job while interning 45 hours Mon thru Fri. Any way, I'm spent and have to catch some shut eye so I can spend time with Lou in the morning before work. I'm looking forward to new beginnings. Goodnight (well good morning).

It's hitting me that I'm leaving in 9 days for FL and won't be back for 2 months. I'm excited about it, but really scared. I know that it's only for a short while, but I'm going to miss everyone that I know and I'm going to have to trust that God is going to take care of my finances while I'm interning. The good news is that I have received a few checks and I have been working a lot so God is taking care of me. Well I've got to get going to work.

We are the Champions my friends

Yes we won our game tonight, which makes us the champions of Division 2. I'm really glad we won, it made me feel good. Well goodnight. My things are starting to be put into bags to go to FL, it's kinda scary. Oh please keep praying for support raising, I'm hoping it starts rolling in soon.

Championship Game

Tomorrow night (well tonight) at 8:00 pm I will be playing for a D2 Title with the team I've been playing soccer with over in Irmo. It's kinda crazy that I'm a part of a team again and it feels nice to get out there and play. Hopefully next semester I can try to get some people together weekly for a game of pick up or play through the school. Just a thought. Well, goodnight. Oh I'm starting to pack my things for FL cause I'm just that excited.

Trusting God is the biggest problem that I've had with my relationship with Him, but now I'm totally convinced that He's going to get through anything. Today I was presented with an opportunity to make some extra cash and then when I got home after working I received a message about subleasing my room for the summer. God has given me a way to actually intern with TWLOHA without worrying about money. Why has it taken me so long to trust you God?

Support Letter

Well I took the time today while buying back textbooks for work at University Oaks to write my support letter and I'm please with what I have written consider I've never done this before. I also got a major sunburn on my shoulders today, yay for lobster pink shoulders. Tomorrow I have to be outside and I will most likely find some sunscreen so they won't be worse. I've got 3 weeks until I leave for FL and I have to raise a lot of money. Oh well, God's going to work it all out. One last thing......KEEP YOUR EARS OPEN FOR SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A PLACE TO STAY FOR JUNE AND JULY. Thank you, I would greatly appreciate it if I could find someone to sublease my room for those two months.

enjoy the rest of your weeks.

Jamie and Renee tell the story

I'm trying to get the word out there about who I'm interning with for the next few months. It's going to be a challenging two months, but I'm supper excited to meet my fellow interns and start working with this amazing group of people. There is HOPE to be had and Rescue IS Possible.

internship

So I've decided that I'm going to have to write a support letter to raise money for rent and living expenses for while I'm interning with To Write Love On Her Arms. I only have a month to raise enough money for 2 months (they suggest $1000/month: $350 rent, $650, other expenses). I'm hoping to get a little raise before leaving and I'll be working 40/week, so that will help out a lot. OH I'm still looking for someone to sublet my room for June and July....I'll take anyone who is trustworthy. Let me know if you know anyone, thanks. I'm starting to get nervous about this summer, but I'm still excited about getting this opportunity. I hope that it's the next step in my track of healing somethings deep within myself. Any way, I've got a final in 7 hours and then work for the rest of the day. I Love Ya'll!!! Although, God loves the best. Goodnight to you if you are reading this before going to sleep. I'm really tired (3rd night in a row up studying). I'm sleeping in on Sunday.

Sorry for not updating I'm in the middle of finals week. The most stressful time of the year.

The story that started TWLOHA

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS by Jamie Tworkowski

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars." 

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her. 

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her. 

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm. 

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms. 

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her. 

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes. 

Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show. 

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies. 

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope. 

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired. 

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff. 

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life. 

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope." 

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly. 

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true. 

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home. 

I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember. 

GOD LOVES EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!!!

I got the internship with to write love on her arms!!!

Satan's trying to take my excitement. I've tried to publish the same blog 6 times, this upsets me. Getting coffee then writing my paper.

last week

It's the last week of classes and I am sick. I'm hoping that it's over in a few days. I'm trying to not let my stuffed up head keep me from getting my work done, but I am letting myself procrastinate which isn't good. I really don't have much to say. Lalalalalalalalalalalala........ok, time for some school work. 

YAY FOR BEING 21!!!

I had an amazing birthday!!! Thank you for all the birthday wishes via text messages, wall postings, and phone calls. And can I say it was just awesome to have exactly 21 people at Nonnah's for my 21st. I love all of my friends. Thank you for helping me be responsible in my celebration.

OH my first and only drink: a white russian

What else shall I try? Goodnight, I'm a little tired.

And Now It's My Birthday!!!

only a few more hours

My birthday is quickly approaching and I'm excited to get to go out tomorrow night with my lovely friends. It means a lot to me that people want to help me celebrate. Well that's really all I have to say tonight cause I want to be rested up for a very eventful day tomorrow. Work, then class, then a soccer game, and then Nonnah's with all of my friends. It's going to be an amazing day. Thank you God for giving me the blessing of a community at the Shack....I don't know where I would be without many of them in my life.

Goodnight from the soon to be 21 year old

I can't take the stress any longer. I wish it was as simple as it is for other people just to focus their attention on one thing and push through it, but it's not and I'm done trying to push through this. Call me a disappointment if you will, but I'm only disappointing unrealistic expectations I have for myself. Wait are my expectations unrealistic? Is wanting to do well in school unrealistic? Is wanting to be there for your family unrealistic? Is wanting to make it through the day unrealistic? I think the answer to all of these questions would be no it's not unrealistic. I'm to the point of apathy and it's killing me to be apathetic (for some reason I think that's an oxymoron). Is it Thursday? Can I have my first drink so that I can relax a little and get through the next week? Wait do I really care to get through the rest of the semester? All of me says I don't want to try, but I know I have to just because of what's going on at home. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

a song says it so much better

"Everyone needs compassion

 Love that's never failing

 Let mercy fall on me

 Everyone needs forgiveness

 The kindness of a saviour

 The hope of nations

Chorus:

 Saviour

 He can move the mountains

 My God is mighty to save

 He is mighty to save

 Forever

 Author of salvation

 He rose and conquered the grave

 Jesus conquered the grave

 So take me as you find me

 All my fears and failures

 Fill my life again

 I give my life to follow

 Everything I believe in

 Now I Surrender

 Shine your light out

 And let the whole Earth sing

 We're singin'

 For glory

 Of the risen' King"

Headaches

I absolutely hate stress. I absolutely hate headaches. I absolutely hate tension headaches caused by stress. Do we see a common theme in these few sentences?

Tonight I'm feeling frustrated and alone. I know that it's just a short moment of feeling down, but I'm tired of having these brief episodes as I like to call them. I wish I was as strong as I use to be when it came to holding my emotions in check. I guess with growing older you learn that you can't rely on your own strength to get you through your life and that you have to rely on the strength that God gives you. I guess God's just going to have to carry me (hopefully willingly) through the next few weeks.

I've got to get some sleep, my head hurts really bad. Pray that Forrest won't keep me up, he likes to run on his wheel all night long. In case you haven't figured it out, Forrest is my pet robo dwarf hamster that I got after my other hamster died during Spring Break. I miss my old hamster, but love my new one.

I WANT A PUPPY!!! PUPPIES MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER!!!

Turning 21? What? No Way?

It's about that time of year again and I'm kinda excited. NO I'm not excited about finals, I'm supper excited about my birthday that is next week. I can't believe that I'm going to be 21, it seems like just yesterday I was turning 19. Over the past 2 years I have learned so much about myself, things that I like and somethings that I would like to change about myself. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all those people that have had patience with me when I have been a frustration and I hope that they have seen some change in the way I relate to people. Although I have come a long ways from when I was 19, I'm still the same loving and caring person that I have learned to be. God has been showing that I have a place in this world and that my personality is a great one to have been given by Him. I'm learning to trust God with more and more over the last few months. It's crazy how things can change so abruptly and turn into stressful situation, but I've got to trust that God is going to get me through everything. He has saved my life once and I believe that He's going to help me get through my entire life. With His strength, I will hopefully go on to live a very caring life; a life full of care and love for those who are in need of hope and the faith that there is someone who is fighting for their life.

Yay a new blog

I'm not sure what to blog in this first blog, so stay tuned to see what I shall blog about.